The words of a song floated through my mind... "What if your blessings come through raindrops what if your healing comes through pain, what if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're there." (Laura Story)
I remember those sleepless nights all too well...when I would vomit up to twenty times in a night and get nearly no sleep. And the tears I shed when I had to lay down on the couch and rest, with a lack of appetite and a lack of energy. I hated not being able to be busy and accomplish a lot of things! But I learned the importance of being still and knowing God - there was nothing else I could do.
For me, those years were more than just a time of sickness where we tried to figure out what was wrong with me. They were a time to seek God's will for my life. That summer I had my last violin lesson with the teacher who had taught me for over eight years. After playing a Mozart violin concerto, my teacher said to me, "That was beautiful. God has blessed you for the amount of time you practice because you make God and family a priority. You could go where ever you want with music, you could be a concert violinist, a violin teacher, or anything you want to be." I was thankful for her kind words, but even as I listened, I knew deep down inside my heart that God was not calling me to a career in music.
I believe God allows us go through things to show us the weakness of our own heart. Until having health challenges, I never realized how much I took God's blessings for granted. God was teaching me the importance of surrender, and how to trust Him completely with my life. He gave me Bible verses that said: "Wilt thou not from this time cry unto me, My Father, thou art the guide of my youth?" (Jeremiah 3:4, KJV). "Behold, I will bring it health and cure, and I will cure them, and will reveal unto them the abundance of peace and truth." (Jeremiah 33:6, KJV). "For I know the thoughts that think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope." (Jeremiah 29:11, NKJV).
After a lot of prayer and doctor's appointments, my health started getting a little better. I decided to go to college, and at the time, God was leading me to study elementary education. The climax of the experience of the whole experience, was when I finished that first semester of college. I returned home sicker than before I had left. Even my Dad - who is a very calm man and doesn't make a big deal out of things - put his foot down and said I was not going back to school the next semester. Even though I wanted to make my own decision to go back to college, I knew my Dad loved me and knew what was best. The experience lead to me my Heavenly Father. "What is your purpose for my life in this?" I prayed, "What do I have to live for? I thought I was following your leading, I thought I was doing everything right. Here I've sacrificed my dreams to follow You, and this is what I get."
Up until this point, I had never realized how much I struggled with a legalistic mindset towards God and religion. The hardest thing for me about the whole ordeal was it struck at the very core of what I thought about life and God's character. "Why would God allow this? I deserve to be healthy, I eat healthy, this should only happen to people who eat really unhealthy. And don't I deserved a Christian education?" I questioned. But God showed me that the greatest of all education is to learn to trust Him, and follow His plan for my life. Little by little, He was teaching me to love and value Him more than my ambitions, more than my friends, more than education, and more than my plans for my life. I had to come to the point where I realized that I have never and will never, deserve the least of God's blessings. I learned to lean more on His Word than anything else in this world. I could truly say, "I hope in Your Word." (Psalm 119:114, KJV). Since then, in Bible work I've meant people who have truly had a difficult life. When I meet them I have greater sympathy for them, and don't look down on them because I realize that could just as easily have been me, were it not for God's grace and blessings.
Looking back, I can put some of the puzzle pieces together and see how God was leading me. But I'm no where near the end of the journey! At times I'm tempted to think that I've earned things rather than giving God the glory, and sometimes I still try to earn love and acceptance. At other times I'm tempted to try to solve other people's problems, instead of realizing that God is in control. My flesh wants to follow my own plan instead of waiting patiently on God to lead my life. But now, when I start to complain about some little issue, I remember what God has brought me through, and I have to say, I am truly blessed. I also genuinely love life! Why? Because it is a precious gift and each day is a new adventure. "Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, and comes down from the Father of lights, with whom is no variation or shadow of turning." (James 1:17, NKJV)
This morning as I look out at the sunshine, I'm thankful that the stabbing pain in my stomach is now gone. I'm thankful for health. I'm thankful for my family and for the amazing friends God has placed in my life. I'm thankful for life and God's many blessings. I'm thankful that God's plans for me are good. I'm thankful that His mercies are new every morning.
"Bless the Lord, O my soul: and all that is within me, bless His holy name. Bless the Lord, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits: Who forgiveth all thine iniquities; who healeth all thy diseases; Who reeemeth thy life from destruction; who crowneth thee with lovingkindness and tender mercies; Who satisfieth thy mouth with good things; so that thy youth is renewed like the eagle's."
(Psalm 103:1-5, KJV)
