In the quiet of that moment alone with God - alone and single - I started to come to grips with the fact that the relationship wasn't enough. The dream wedding I was working towards creating...the trips we had went on together...finally being in my first relationship ever...having a boyfriend...it wasn't enough. The fantasy, the romance and the fun times were over. It had all crumbled apart - and even at it's best, the relationship hadn't ever been enough! I've always known intellectually that a relationship can't fulfill you and that our ultimate fulfillment has to come from a relationship with Christ. But it's one thing to know something in your head, and it's another thing to know something in your heart.
There have been so many lessons I've learned from being in a relationship....the need for me to seek to understand people who see things differently than I do....the truth that men are different than women....that love isn't enough....that you can't make yourself fall in love with someone....that saying "I do" is a serious commitment and you have to being willing to say with no regrets "forsaking all others". That love isn't just a feeling - it's a decision you have to know you're ready to make and know God is asking you to make....that boundaries in a relationship matter more than I thought they did. Learning what's a deal breaker in a relationship and what is not a deal breaker. Learning what personality types rub me the wrong way, and what people are easier to get along with....Learning that selfishness, stubbornness and pride ruin relationships more than any other little thing; and that humility and forgiveness are essential to making a relationship work. But of all the lessons I'm still in the process of learning, I've had to learn that a relationship in and of itself will never be enough to fulfill me. Sometimes I'm tempted to think otherwise. I'm tempted to think that a different relationship would be more fulfilling, but deep in my heart I'm learning to accept the truth that only God is enough to fulfill my deepest emotional needs. Only He is enough to give me peace, joy, and confidence in all the decisions that I'll have to make throughout life.
I believe God allows us to go through experiences that make us actually experience our theology in our hearts. To bring head knowledge home deep down into our hearts. I can preach and give Bible studies on the importance of Jesus filling that hole in your heart. I can talk about the importance of putting God first, spending time in His Word every morning, and praying without ceasing, but until I went through the relationship I didn't realize how much I needed God. All of the sudden I want to spend hours in His word. All of the sudden I'm praying more, because I have to. I need God. I need Him to be my best friend. I need His companionship more than ever before because I don't have a boyfriend to talk to. And through Christ I'm experiencing peace more than before. Sure there are moments when I question "why", moments when I'm frustrated at the decisions I made and the consequences of them that I have to live with, but deep in my heart there is peace in knowing that I did the right thing. Peace in knowing I'm in the will of God. I'm learning Jesus has to be my peace. I have the tendency to look for peace in circumstances. In my right decisions, in my relationship working out, but right now all I have to cling to for peace is Jesus. And I've come to realize that this peace in Christ is more of a witness to those I'm reaching out to than all the words I can say. I never dreamed I could have peace going through a breakup. But God is a God of peace. And through this peace I'm able to connect with others I'm seeking to share God's Word with more because of my testimony of the peace and fulfillment I have found in Christ.
