It was yet another day that found
me analyzing my relationship with my boyfriend. My idealism, combined with my
selfishness and self-centeredness, has made for quite a dynamic romantic
relationship. “Sometimes the way you communicate doesn’t make me feel like you
care about me”, I complained him. He listened and then replied in his soft,
even-keeled tone of voice. “If I didn’t care for you, I wouldn’t still be in a
relationship with you. You can be difficult sometimes”.
Yes, I can be difficult. There is
my almost constant analyzing of everything in my life and in his life. His life
is under scrutiny dating me. From how he could have worded things better so he
wouldn’t have hurt my feelings, and how we need to learn to manage conflict. There
is always something that needs improvement! The constant analyzing and
scrutinizing isn’t for a weak man. And then there’s been the more hurtful
things I’ve said, such as “I’m not sure yet if I will be happy married to you”.
For some reason I had this idea that my future husband would somehow be
“everything” to me. This illusion led me to unnecessary discontentment and
disappointment in my relationship – at least at times. But somehow, I don’t
think I’m completely alone here. What about the single men and women who have
spent years dating various people and yet can’t seem to find someone who meets
everything on their ‘list’? Could the problem be in them, rather than in the
supposed fact that God hasn’t brought them ‘the one’ yet?
You see our desire to not be hurt
often leads us to control others. It keeps us from loving. We are afraid of
being let down…afraid of going through pain...afraid of being disappointed. So
instead of letting ourselves love someone, we try to control it all. We try to
control the environment or the situation. Or worse yet, we try to control the
person we’re dating. This control attitude could be manifested in your work as
well. Maybe you control your co-workers. Maybe you make a list of rules for how
a job should be done. I know I’ve done this in my love life. I had my rules and
my ideals. I assumed if everything fit my ideals, I would have the perfect relationship.
I wouldn’t get my feelings hurt. I wouldn’t ever threaten to leave my husband as
I’ve seen other women do. I wouldn’t fight and argue. I wouldn’t have the
issues I’d seen in other marriages that I feared and didn’t want to happen to
me. And while there is an element of truth in the thought that rules can
protect us, maybe sometimes we skew the truth and forget what is most important.
Maybe we depend too much on our rules than we do on something greater that we
need to come to know.
That something is love. That
something is God’s love for us. That something is the power of true love that
has its source in God. Of ourselves we can never truly love. We read about this
love in 1 Corinthians chapter 13, what is known as “the love chapter”. First,
Paul magnifies the importance of love. He gives various examples to do this,
and then gives the ultimate example by saying we can even give our bodies to be
burnt and yet, that will be useless if we don’t have love. We start to realize
how worthless our efforts are when true love does not attend them, and then we
get a definition of love. We read that “Love suffers long” (1 Corinthians
13:4).
Why must love include suffering?
First of all, we live in a sinful world. As long as we are here there will
always be pain, and there will always be suffering. Sin hurts, and we ourselves
are sinners. Without the transforming power of Christ living in us, we will inevitably
hurt others and bring some level of suffering into their life. But I believe the
phrase “love suffers long” is an illusion to something even deeper. The fact
that love suffers long tells us that love is something different than we’ve
ever experienced. In any potential relationship or job opportunity, we look at
how it will benefit us. We weigh our options and see what will cost us the
least and reward us the most. But love is completely the opposite! It goes
against our selfishness. It goes against looking out for ourselves. It isn’t
something we possess, because we don’t naturally care for anyone except
ourselves. And so, before we are told anything else about love, we are told
that love suffers long. What does that mean? Well obviously, we don’t naturally
want to suffer. But how does love suffer? Paul isn’t speaking about people
staying in abusive and life-threatening situations, and he isn’t suggesting
that we suffer just for the sake of suffering.
I didn’t understand this until
after being in a relationship. He has “suffered long” with me. I could tell him
everything that frustrated me about him, but he wouldn’t leave. I could take my
anger and bitterness out on him, when he had nothing to do with it at all. I
would blame him, and suppose he was the problem, when many times, it was
something else. One time when I was sick and vomiting he came and stayed with
me, ended up taking me to the emergency room, and stayed with me all night in
the hospital. He got about two hours of sleep that morning before he had to go
to work. That’s a form of suffering, if you ask me, because I value my sleep. I
could go without telling him,“I love you too,” and he wouldn’t let it bother
him. I remember him saying, “It’s okay, I know you love me you don’t have to
tell me”. And after I broke up with him at one point, he didn’t hold bitterness
against me. Instead, he looked at his own character to see what he had done
wrong, and how he could love me better and win my trust back. His has been a
love that, “Believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things” (1
Corinthians 13:7).
As humans, we don’t like suffering.
We don’t want to hurt. We don’t like giving of ourselves if we aren’t going to
get something back. But the message of 1 Corinthians 13, the message of the
Gospel is that true love is willing to give of ourselves even when it
inconveniences us or isn’t always appreciated or reciprocated. The message of
the Gospel is that love is completely selfless. In saying that love suffers, I
believe Paul is trying to get the idea in our heads that true love gives
without wanting to receive anything in return. Maybe it would be nice to receive
something in return, but not receiving anything in return won’t keep us from
showing love. Therefore, it is willing to suffer. This same idea was expressed
by Jesus when he said, “Love your enemies, bless those who curse you, do good
to those who hate you, and pray for those who spitefully use you and persecute
you” (Matthew 5:44). I believe Paul is also pointing our minds to the Person
who has suffered the most for us! He is saying: “Remember how much Jesus suffered? That’s what love is! He suffered and
died because he loved us. Remember Him saying, ‘Father, forgive them for they
know not what they do’? Well, that is what true love is. And that is the type
of love that you need to have for each other”.
This Easter weekend we are reminded
of what took place at the cross. We see a love that was willing to suffer and
did suffer. It shows us a Man who was willing to be spat upon, whipped, falsely
accused, murdered, and rejected by his own people, because He loves so deeply
and so perfectly.
Any true, genuine love is a
reflection of Christ who suffered the most. It is only by looking to the cross
that we can find a real tangible example of what true love is. There is no
greater example of love. There is no better definition of love than the cross
of Calvary. It is here that we are humbled. It is here that our selfishness and
self-centeredness is exposed. It is here that the walls we put up to protect
ourselves and keep others out of our lives can be broken down. It is here that
we find true transformation and the power to love like Jesus. May the love of
Christ touch your hearts this Easter, and may you be enabled to love others in
a new, deeper, more Christlike way. Happy Easter!
