The Love of Easter

It was yet another day that found me analyzing my relationship with my boyfriend. My idealism, combined with my selfishness and self-centeredness, has made for quite a dynamic romantic relationship. “Sometimes the way you communicate doesn’t make me feel like you care about me”, I complained him. He listened and then replied in his soft, even-keeled tone of voice. “If I didn’t care for you, I wouldn’t still be in a relationship with you. You can be difficult sometimes”.

Yes, I can be difficult. There is my almost constant analyzing of everything in my life and in his life. His life is under scrutiny dating me. From how he could have worded things better so he wouldn’t have hurt my feelings, and how we need to learn to manage conflict. There is always something that needs improvement! The constant analyzing and scrutinizing isn’t for a weak man. And then there’s been the more hurtful things I’ve said, such as “I’m not sure yet if I will be happy married to you”. For some reason I had this idea that my future husband would somehow be “everything” to me. This illusion led me to unnecessary discontentment and disappointment in my relationship – at least at times. But somehow, I don’t think I’m completely alone here. What about the single men and women who have spent years dating various people and yet can’t seem to find someone who meets everything on their ‘list’? Could the problem be in them, rather than in the supposed fact that God hasn’t brought them ‘the one’ yet?

You see our desire to not be hurt often leads us to control others. It keeps us from loving. We are afraid of being let down…afraid of going through pain...afraid of being disappointed. So instead of letting ourselves love someone, we try to control it all. We try to control the environment or the situation. Or worse yet, we try to control the person we’re dating. This control attitude could be manifested in your work as well. Maybe you control your co-workers. Maybe you make a list of rules for how a job should be done. I know I’ve done this in my love life. I had my rules and my ideals. I assumed if everything fit my ideals, I would have the perfect relationship. I wouldn’t get my feelings hurt. I wouldn’t ever threaten to leave my husband as I’ve seen other women do. I wouldn’t fight and argue. I wouldn’t have the issues I’d seen in other marriages that I feared and didn’t want to happen to me. And while there is an element of truth in the thought that rules can protect us, maybe sometimes we skew the truth and forget what is most important. Maybe we depend too much on our rules than we do on something greater that we need to come to know.

That something is love. That something is God’s love for us. That something is the power of true love that has its source in God. Of ourselves we can never truly love. We read about this love in 1 Corinthians chapter 13, what is known as “the love chapter”. First, Paul magnifies the importance of love. He gives various examples to do this, and then gives the ultimate example by saying we can even give our bodies to be burnt and yet, that will be useless if we don’t have love. We start to realize how worthless our efforts are when true love does not attend them, and then we get a definition of love. We read that “Love suffers long” (1 Corinthians 13:4).

Why must love include suffering? First of all, we live in a sinful world. As long as we are here there will always be pain, and there will always be suffering. Sin hurts, and we ourselves are sinners. Without the transforming power of Christ living in us, we will inevitably hurt others and bring some level of suffering into their life. But I believe the phrase “love suffers long” is an illusion to something even deeper. The fact that love suffers long tells us that love is something different than we’ve ever experienced. In any potential relationship or job opportunity, we look at how it will benefit us. We weigh our options and see what will cost us the least and reward us the most. But love is completely the opposite! It goes against our selfishness. It goes against looking out for ourselves. It isn’t something we possess, because we don’t naturally care for anyone except ourselves. And so, before we are told anything else about love, we are told that love suffers long. What does that mean? Well obviously, we don’t naturally want to suffer. But how does love suffer? Paul isn’t speaking about people staying in abusive and life-threatening situations, and he isn’t suggesting that we suffer just for the sake of suffering.

I didn’t understand this until after being in a relationship. He has “suffered long” with me. I could tell him everything that frustrated me about him, but he wouldn’t leave. I could take my anger and bitterness out on him, when he had nothing to do with it at all. I would blame him, and suppose he was the problem, when many times, it was something else. One time when I was sick and vomiting he came and stayed with me, ended up taking me to the emergency room, and stayed with me all night in the hospital. He got about two hours of sleep that morning before he had to go to work. That’s a form of suffering, if you ask me, because I value my sleep. I could go without telling him,“I love you too,” and he wouldn’t let it bother him. I remember him saying, “It’s okay, I know you love me you don’t have to tell me”. And after I broke up with him at one point, he didn’t hold bitterness against me. Instead, he looked at his own character to see what he had done wrong, and how he could love me better and win my trust back. His has been a love that, “Believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things” (1 Corinthians 13:7).

As humans, we don’t like suffering. We don’t want to hurt. We don’t like giving of ourselves if we aren’t going to get something back. But the message of 1 Corinthians 13, the message of the Gospel is that true love is willing to give of ourselves even when it inconveniences us or isn’t always appreciated or reciprocated. The message of the Gospel is that love is completely selfless. In saying that love suffers, I believe Paul is trying to get the idea in our heads that true love gives without wanting to receive anything in return. Maybe it would be nice to receive something in return, but not receiving anything in return won’t keep us from showing love. Therefore, it is willing to suffer. This same idea was expressed by Jesus when he said, “Love your enemies, bless those who curse you, do good to those who hate you, and pray for those who spitefully use you and persecute you” (Matthew 5:44). I believe Paul is also pointing our minds to the Person who has suffered the most for us! He is saying: “Remember how much Jesus suffered? That’s what love is! He suffered and died because he loved us. Remember Him saying, ‘Father, forgive them for they know not what they do’? Well, that is what true love is. And that is the type of love that you need to have for each other”.

This Easter weekend we are reminded of what took place at the cross. We see a love that was willing to suffer and did suffer. It shows us a Man who was willing to be spat upon, whipped, falsely accused, murdered, and rejected by his own people, because He loves so deeply and so perfectly.

Any true, genuine love is a reflection of Christ who suffered the most. It is only by looking to the cross that we can find a real tangible example of what true love is. There is no greater example of love. There is no better definition of love than the cross of Calvary. It is here that we are humbled. It is here that our selfishness and self-centeredness is exposed. It is here that the walls we put up to protect ourselves and keep others out of our lives can be broken down. It is here that we find true transformation and the power to love like Jesus. May the love of Christ touch your hearts this Easter, and may you be enabled to love others in a new, deeper, more Christlike way. Happy Easter!

It was all I could do not to burst into tears....I couldn't understand it all!  

It was Spanish class and my new teacher speaks Spanish in class a lot more than my last teacher did.  Sometimes I feel a little lost.  I miss my old Spanish teacher!   The way she explained the Spanish vocabulary and grammar made a lot more sense to me than my new teacher does!   And I miss my Spanish tutor!  It was so fun and exciting learning a new language this spring & summer semester.  But this fall is different.

Then I thought about one of the things that was making it hard: I was comparing myself to my other classmates.   In my spring & summer Spanish classes I was at the top of my class and other students would ask me to study with them to help them out.   I loved helping others!   I loved being one of the best.   And now I've lost that.  And so it's not just about learning a new language being difficult, it's sad to no longer be the student who can help others.  Maybe I was getting a little bit of my identity out of being one of the "good students".  Oops!  I know that sounds so selfish and immature, but it honestly hurt.   I feel less than my classmates.   I feel less than my Spanish-speaking friends who speak English to me instead of Spanish.

Yet through this, I'm learning some tough lessons that can actually be applied to every area of life.   So I'm going to share these lessons - just in case anyone else needs some encouraging as well.

1. Comparing yourself to others isn't smart.
2. Growth and learning of any kind takes hard work and commitment - it does NOT come naturally.
3. Comparing yourself to those who do better than you is discouraging.   The only person you can compare yourself with is who you were a couple weeks ago.  Ask yourself the question:  "Have I grown in the last few weeks?"
4. Get over your pride and don't be afraid to ask others for help.
5. Learning anything takes diligence and consistency.   You can't just go over something once or twice a week.  You have to be in it daily if you're serious about learning.

Too Busy for People???

This morning as I left my apartment for my morning walk I noticed something interesting.  A man drove by in a SUV with a little kid in the vehicle beside him.  Another vehicle passed along side him on the other side of the road, and both vehicles slowed down.  The woman in the other vehicle rolled down her window and handed the man in the SUV a piece of paper.  And they both drove on.  It all happened so fast it didn't look like either vehicle had even come to a complete stop.  The two didn't even speak to each other - no smiles either.  Just a transaction, an errand to be accomplished, and back off to their own lives, to go their separate ways.

I couldn't help but wonder what story was behind this interaction.  Was the woman the man's x-wife giving him a paper their child needed for school?  Could she be the mother of his child but not the love of his life?  Or maybe their happily married and were just in a hurry that morning.  But if that was the case, then why not even a smile?  And why not even a word?  There's no way of knowing, but I couldn't help but wonder.

As I pondered this, I couldn't help but wonder how many of us do the same thing in our interaction with one another.  We say, "Hello, how are you?" and get the almost programmed, automatic response, "I'm fine".  We move on to our duties never knowing what is really going on inside the heart of another soul.  So focused on our goals in life, how often do we see others only in terms of how they fit in with our needs and our agendas?  I know I struggle with this.  How often do we take the time to really listen?  We talk to one another but do we really hear what the other person is saying?  Do we read beyond the words and look deep into the heart of the other, ask questions, and seek to understand what a loved one is going through?  Have we made relationships a priority in our lives or are we too caught up in the fast pace of society and in accomplishing the next thing on our to-do list?

As I write this I can't help but think of my own life, and how I interact with those I'm the closest to.  How often when my mom calls me at a really inconvenient time, (with a 3 hour time difference it's hard to connect at times), do I think "It's just my mom I can call her some other time"?  Or do I take time to communicate I love her and will call her as soon as I can?  Am I too afraid to be vulnerable by saying the words, "I appreciate you", "I miss you", and "I'm sorry" to someone I love?  When I go to church do I put on my "I'm-happy-everything-is-ok-face?  Or am I real with people?  Am I sharing the burdens on my heart and asking for prayer?  Or am I too proud?  When one of the ladies I'm studying the Bible with needs more time to talk, and tears run down her cheeks, do I put down my Bible, and take my eye off the clock and be all there for her?  Or am I too hurried thinking about my next appointment?  Do I weep with those who weep and rejoice with those who rejoice, or am I too wrapped up in my own feelings and emotions?

What about you?  Are you rushing by someone who needs your love, care, and attention?

As another beautiful day starts, I'm reminded that the only "things" from this earth that will last through eternity, (aside from a godly character), are the relationships that we have made with one another.  Paul says that we shall be known "even as also I am known."  (1 Corinthians 13:12).

The heart of God yearns to be close to each of us - to be with us throughout all eternity.  He will joy over us with singing.  He says, "They shall be mine....in that day when I make up my jewels."  (Malachi 3:17).  Are we preparing for that day?  Are we taking time to grow in our relationship with Jesus?  Do we treat others with the love that Christ has shown us?  Will you take time to show love to others today?

"Dear Heavenly Father, Please teach me to love like Jesus!  Amen!"

In Awe of God

I just came from the presence of the Lord.  I was compelled to speak boldly with conviction, and then I was silenced.  Let me explain....

It has been a busy week so far.  After a twelve hour day of work yesterday, I was a bit sleepy.  I had slept in this morning - which didn't give me my routine time for my 30-60 minute walk where I pour my heart out to God and pray for those souls we're seeking to reach.  I'd barely had time to have my devotions.

Then later I find out it was our Bible study contacts birthday and ran to buy her a Bible she had been wanting as well as a few other things.  I briefly skimmed over my answers to the Bible study lesson before leaving to go to the study with her and tell her "Happy Birthday".

Jane* hadn't completed her lesson either.  I asked my friend from church to pray.  She prayed for me that God would give me the words and anoint me.  As she prayed I couldn't help but think, "I haven't given this study for a while, I don't know how I'm going to do this, I'm not prepared enough, and I'm not feeling 100%, I'm a little wore out."  But once I began to lead out in the lesson study all such thoughts were put out of my mind.

I begin to share how sin entered the world.  Thoughts and illustrations came to my mind as we continued our study.  Thought of the beautiful loving character of God....How he created us for the purpose of walking before Him in love and how sin defeats this purpose....How sin results from distrusting God's character.  "It's all about God.  It's not about us being a good person", I say.  As I continue I realize how pertinent this Bible study is - for the truth of our sinfulness and need of a Savior is a foreign concept to secular society.  The world says, "Trust your heart", the Bible says "The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked."  As I continued, I could see the wheels turning in Jane's eyes.  "You mean we're born sinners?"  She asks.  This was a new concept for her.  Then I show her from the Bible how we are sinners - in fact we're all born sinners.

After sharing that we can't even trust our heart, she asks, "What do we do then?"  My heart is convicted of the seriousness of this question, and I'm grateful to see her asking the most essential question ever!  My mind goes to the story of Nicodemus where Jesus showed Him how he must be born again.  I continue to pray for the Holy Spirit as I turn to share that story with her.

She has to use the restroom part way through our Bible study, and I bow my head and pray for the Holy Spirit to continue to work on her heart, and to give me the words to of say.

I can't wait to show her the promise in Ezekiel 36 that says, "Then I will sprinkle clean water upon you, and ye shall be clean....A new heart also will I give you, and a new spirit will I put within you: and I will take away the stony heart out of your flesh, and I will give you an heart of flesh."  (Ezekiel 36:25-26).  "Is that like baptism?" she asks.  I explain to her in utmost brevity how baptism is a symbol of a change of heart that God has already worked by giving us His spirit.  Conviction and boldness deepening in my own heart, I feel impressed to read Ezekiel chapter 37 which talks about God sending His spirit upon the dry bones.  "You see the change God does for us is just as dramatic as bones becoming living people!  We don't have anything in ourselves to commend ourselves to God!  We are totally dependent upon Him for everything!  When we accept Christ into our lives He makes a complete transformation.  The drunk man becomes sober.  The fearful timid woman becomes confident and bold."

Tears flood down her cheeks.  "These are tears of joy", Jane says.  "I've learned more in the short time we've been studying together since I've met you ladies than I have in my entire life."

We continue by reading in Revelation 3 which speaks of our condition - that we are blind and miserable and poor and naked - we see our need of Jesus, and how Jesus is knocking on the door of our hearts.  Bible verses flood into my mind and I share them.  I can't help but tell about the young man who came to Jesus wanting to be saved, and saying he had kept the commandments from his youth, and yet he wasn't willing to give all to Jesus.  I close with an appeal.  "Do you want to give all to Jesus?"  She says yes and repeats a prayer after me accepting Jesus into her heart - on her 60th birthday.

After leaving Jane's house, and getting into the car with my friend from church, she says to me, "This Bible study was different."  "How was it different?"  I ask.  "You spoke with more boldness and conviction", she told me.  "It was God!" I reply.  "Thank you for praying for me", I replied.

I couldn't say any more.  It is amazing that God can use a sinner to reach out to another sinner, and connect a soul to the Savior!  More than ever before in my life I felt humbled.  Humbled because I had not prepared any words.  Humbled because I'm no better than her.  Humbled because God had just given me the Words.  Humbled because God's Holy Spirit had been working on my heart, giving me Bible promises and words to share, and the conviction to speak with more boldness than I normally do.  And He had touched Jane's heart - to the point of tears. 

No feelings of a desire to be some great Bible teacher, or pastor or evangelist now could find any room in my heart, instead the song on my heart was, "Hide Me Now Under the Shadow of Your Wings."  I wanted to run and hide and pray.  To worship God in His majesty.  I felt like Isaiah when he exclaimed, "Woe is me! for I am undone; because I am a man of unclean lips, and I dwell in the midst of a people of unclean lips: for mine eyes have seen the King, the Lord of hosts."  (Isaiah 6:5).  I felt the need of a deeper walk with God, in case He might see fit to use me again someday.  I felt a deep conviction of the seriousness of the work God has committed to me to win souls to the kingdom.

God still works miracles today.  The greatest miracle is a changed heart.  He uses us in spite of our unworthiness.  He sends out His Holy Spirit to convict souls of their need to come to Him.  The question is, are we available to be used by Him?  Can we sing with all sincerity of heart "Nothing between my soul and my Savior"?  What is between you and your Savior, my friend?  Have you given Him your all?  If not, why not try doing so right now?

I get home from a long day at work.  My phone needs charged so I plug it in and then almost instinctively I turn it on...for what I'm not sure.  I'm not contacting my boyfriend because we're not boyfriend & girlfriend anymore.  I don't feel like talking to anyone, but I grab my phone anyways.  I read a few Bible promises and then open Facebook.  "There's nothing here on Facebook I even want to see!"  I say to myself.  And then it dawns on my at what I'm really doing.  I'm trying to find something to cope with the loneliness inside my heart.  I'm trying to keep myself busy to avoid the hurt and the questions.  I know I need something and I know that only God can fulfill that need, and yet I still grab my phone. I look to earthly friends to give me support when ultimately only God has the answer and only He can give peace.  I open Facebook and then remember how meaningless that is.  But the one thing that gives me hope is God and His Word.  I love the promise which says, "No good thing will He withhold from them that walk uprightly."  (Psalm 84:11). 

I don't know why I wasn't ready to get married.  I don't know exactly why our relationship took the turn for the worst the way it did.  I don't know exactly what God's plan is through all of this, or what my love life will look like from here on out, but one thing I know is that God will not withhold anything good from me.  God withhold from any of His children.  My moments of regrets, uncertainty of the future, questionings and loneliness remind me of where my true strength comes from.  My relationship life has shown me a deeper need for my dependence on God as my true source of love joy and fulfillment.

Romance, love, relationships, the dream job all sound great, but in the midst of my business sometimes I lacked the deeper connection with the Divine that now is giving me greater joy than any joy I had about planning my wedding.   I can't explain it.  And I can't help but wonder, how many times is our life less than God's ideal for us because because we're looking around instead of looking up to Christ for our light, hope, peace and fulfillment?  May you find perfect peace and fulfilment in Christ's love for you today!

It Wasn't Enough

With my head buried in my pillows, and a whirlwind of emotions sweeping through my heart, I finally came to grips with the reality of the breakup.  The relationship was actually over.  I couldn't comfort my boyfriend and tell him that I was sorry it didn't work out, and I couldn't comfort myself either.  It was a moment of utter helplessness.  But in the midst of that moment I came to grips with a deeper reality...."It wasn't enough".

In the quiet of that moment alone with God - alone and single - I started to come to grips with the fact that the relationship wasn't enough.  The dream wedding I was working towards creating...the trips we had went on together...finally being in my first relationship ever...having a boyfriend...it wasn't enough.  The fantasy, the romance and the fun times were over.  It had all crumbled apart - and even at it's best, the relationship hadn't ever been enough!  I've always known intellectually that a relationship can't fulfill you and that our ultimate fulfillment has to come from a relationship with Christ.  But it's one thing to know something in your head, and it's another thing to know something in your heart.

There have been so many lessons I've learned from being in a relationship....the need for me to seek to understand people who see things differently than I do....the truth that men are different than women....that love isn't enough....that you can't make yourself fall in love with someone....that saying "I do" is a serious commitment and you have to being willing to say with no regrets "forsaking all others".  That love isn't just a feeling - it's a decision you have to know you're ready to make and know God is asking you to make....that boundaries in a relationship matter more than I thought they did.  Learning what's a deal breaker in a relationship and what is not a deal breaker.  Learning what personality types rub me the wrong way, and what people are easier to get along with....Learning that selfishness, stubbornness and pride ruin relationships more than any other little thing; and that humility and forgiveness are essential to making a relationship work.  But of all the lessons I'm still in the process of learning, I've had to learn that a relationship in and of itself will never be enough to fulfill me.  Sometimes I'm tempted to think otherwise.  I'm tempted to think that a different relationship would be more fulfilling, but deep in my heart I'm learning to accept the truth that only God is enough to fulfill my deepest emotional needs.  Only He is enough to give me peace, joy, and confidence in all the decisions that I'll have to make throughout life.

I believe God allows us to go through experiences that make us actually experience our theology in our hearts.  To bring head knowledge home deep down into our hearts.  I can preach and give Bible studies on the importance of Jesus filling that hole in your heart.  I can talk about the importance of putting God first, spending time in His Word every morning, and praying without ceasing, but until I went through the relationship I didn't realize how much I needed God.  All of the sudden I want to spend hours in His word.  All of the sudden I'm praying more, because I have to.  I need God.  I need Him to be my best friend.  I need His companionship more than ever before because I don't have a boyfriend to talk to.  And through Christ I'm experiencing peace more than before.  Sure there are moments when I question "why", moments when I'm frustrated at the decisions I made and the consequences of them that I have to live with, but deep in my heart there is peace in knowing that I did the right thing.  Peace in knowing I'm in the will of God.  I'm learning Jesus has to be my peace.  I have the tendency to look for peace in circumstances.  In my right decisions, in my relationship working out, but right now all I have to cling to for peace is Jesus.  And I've come to realize that this peace in Christ is more of a witness to those I'm reaching out to than all the words I can say. I never dreamed I could have peace going through a breakup.  But God is a God of peace.  And through this peace I'm able to connect with others I'm seeking to share God's Word with more because of my testimony of the peace and fulfillment I have found in Christ.

People, people, people!

So maybe I am an extrovert, and of course I love my job and what I do, but I'm not beyond the possibility of getting peopled-out!  I have to admit there are some times when I get tired of reaching out to people.

"She's so demanding", I thought to myself.  "It's probably her Indian culture.  She's a difficult person.  She's wants things when she wants them!  Having said that, I couldn't help but remember my shortcoming - I had promised her WEEKS ago that I would print out some hymn lyrics for her to go along with a Christian music CD that I had given her as a gift.  She loves music!  I remember how frustrated I was at the lady's attitude.  And now I was starting to get tired of reaching out to her.  It's easy to justify our frustrations..."it's their culture", "it's his personality type", "She have too many issues!", "They think the world revolves around them!", "He's always late", or "They are so impatient with me!"  Whatever our excuse is, it is always the other person's fault.  They are the ones with the problem - NOT us!  The difficult person to reach out to.  The difficult person to connect. The difficult person to give Bible studies to.  The difficult church member.  Lord have mercy on us!  But isn't this the truth?

Recently I've been struggling to give unselfishly to others.  Without realising it, I had started complaining about other people.  But then it hit me...this wasn't just one incident, it was twice...twice that I had been complaining about other people, rather than realising maybe I'm the one with the problem! There was the lady last week in a Bible study group who had difficulty understanding a truth we were studying.  And I remember the thought crossing my mind "she's a difficult person to work with, other people I've worked with haven't been this difficult."  While there may have been some truth to that statement, in reality I had made a mistake.  She hadn't been ready to hear the truth presented, and I hadn't taken control of the situation in a way that would have most likely prevented her difficulties.  In that moment I felt the holy spirit speaking to my heart and saying, "Do you think that people are an inconvenience?"  In reality, people are an inconvenience!  Ministry never can get crammed into our perfect schedule, neither can it revolve around our preferences!  Its about them - NOT about me, NOT about us!  God doesn't ask us to reach the perfect cookie cutter people, he asks us to reach those who are messy.  Those who are inconvenient.  Those who are impatient with us.  Those who are needy.  Those who are different.  Those who are difficult.

I believe God leads us into situations in our lives where He shows us our neediness.  If there's one thing I'm learning it's to be more unselfish and to put others and their needs first.  If there's one area of my character God is working on, it is Him teaching me to be more giving and more flexible.  I have to take time to ask myself tough questions, such as, "Am I becoming hardened by the hurts, needs, and lacks of humanity?  Am I manifesting the character of Jesus in all I do and say?"  Oh how I want to be like Paul when He said, "I am made all things to all men, that I might by all means save some."  (1 Corinthians 9:22).  Oh how I want to exemplify the life of Jesus who gave His life for me!  What about you?