A Different Type of Marriage

“You deserve the type of guy who would be willing to drive or fly across the country to come and see you”, the lady said to me - with all good intentions.  Really?  To say the least, her words got me thinking.  I knew where she was coming from, the guy has to be the initiator, sure, I totally get that!  I mean, we live in a world where a man will let his life revolve around the love of his life, right?  And of course, you want to be with someone who really loves you and values you.  But still…“I deserve”?  Is that the right type of attitude?  Would that really set me up for a healthy relationship?  I deserve…and we start writing our list…hard working, must be someone who is really spiritual, has a sense of humor, tall and handsome, (or beautiful), someone who is totally in love with me, someone who respects me, someone who would do anything for me…and the list goes on and on.  Setting our expectation high - maybe even too high, but remember, you can’t sell yourself cheap - and possibly even setting ourselves up for some disappointments down the road.  Can our significant other really be all we want him or her to be?  Who can live up to it all?

Now imagine with me a young happy couple…That glow in each other’s eyes, the joyful conversations, the laughs, the freshness of their new relationship, the hopes, the dreams, and the joys.  Relationships, romance…something about it must hold a kind of charm.  The roses your boyfriend surprises you with, the love letters you get from your girlfriend telling you how much she appreciates you.  The date nights.  Being able to post that new status update that tells everyone in your world that you’re in a relationship.  The happy couple may even seem to have shut themselves off, to some extent, from the rest of the world.  Old friends are forgotten for a time, and life revolves around their relationship.  Theirs isn’t a story of heartbreak, they truly love each other, and besides, happy marriages are possible, believe it or not.  They both love the Lord, and each other, and so they decide to get married.  For them, happiness isn’t an illusion, it’s a reality, we could say, “They live happily ever after.”  Now, if you’re like me, you may wondering, “Well, what happens next?  What do they do with their life?”  Well, maybe then they buy a new house - her dream house.  They have the average 2.5 kids, living the American dream.  In a country where divorce is so popular, somehow this couple got really lucky!  They may argue a little now and again, but they never have any major fights.  They are happy with each other - happy in their own little world.  Together.  Family.  Live…laugh…love.  Now, if we’re honest with ourselves, isn’t this what we want?  The happiness?  Dreams come true?  True love?  A relationship that will actually work?  A relationship that will last forever?  Without the heartache, without ever wondering if you’re loved and appreciated?  Without ever questioning if you’ve married “the right” person?  Yet, I’m still left wondering, is there more to life than this?  What will happen next in their story?  When their life has come to an end, what could be said of them?  What legacy will they have left for humanity?

 

I recently started reading about two amazing people…yet, their life story is very different.  Picture a tall, intelligent, hard-working, fine young man - in the prime of manhood.  The world of opportunities is open to him - he could be anything he wants to be.  Yet his is a different calling.  His heart is pained by something deeper - a people not his own, a people in a far-off land.  He must go.... She was born into an upstanding family, she has all the world has to offer her.  Before the young man leaves, he writes the following letter to the young woman’s father:  

"I have now to ask whether you can consent to part with your daughter early next spring, to see her no more in this world.  Whether you can consent to her departure to a heathen land, and her subjection to the hardships and sufferings of a missionary life?  Whether you can consent to her exposure to the dangers of the ocean; to the fatal influence of the southern climate of India; to every kind of want and distress; to degradation, insult, persecution, and perhaps a violent death?  Can you consent to all this, for the sake of Him who left His heavenly home and died for her and for you; for the sake of perishing, immortal souls; for the sake of Zion and the glory of God?  Can you consent to all this, in hope of soon meeting your daughter in the world of glory, with a crown of righteousness brightened by the acclamations of praise which shall resound to her Savior from heathens saved, through her means, from eternal woe and despair?"

As I read this letter, I find myself wondering if there could be more to marriage than what I have thought of.  What if marriage was about mission?  A mission to better reflect the love of Christ, because two can better be the hands and feet of Jesus than one can.  “Two are better than one; because they have a good reward for their labor”.  Ecclesiastes 4:9.  What if marriage is really about sacrifice?  What if this was the principle that marriages were formed upon?  "Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord...Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything.  Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it."  Ephesians 5:22, 24-25.  Did Jesus ask Himself what He would get out of the deal, when He chose to give His life for us?  

When her father left the choice to Nancy Ann Hasseltine, did she weigh the costs and think of the type of life she deserved?  Did she think of what type of marriage she could have if she said "no", and waited to marry someone who didn’t have such a goal - a marriage that wouldn’t require so much of her?  I don’t know whether she asked herself these questions or not.  All I know is that the father left the choice to his daughter Ann, and she chose to marry him.  With her husband, Adoniram Judson, they became the first missionaries to Burma.  He later writes the following in a letter to Ann:

"What a great change will this year probably effect in our lives!  How very different will be our situation and employment!  If our lives are preserved and our attempt prospered, we shall next year's day be in India, and perhaps wish each other a happy new year in the uncouth dialect of Hindustan or Burma.  We shall no more see our kind friends around us, or enjoy the conveniences of civilized life, or go to the house of God with those that keep holy day; but swarthy countenances will everywhere meet our eye, the jargon of an unknown tongue will assail our ears, and we shall witness the assembling of the heathen to celebrate the worship of idol gods.  We shall be weary of the world, and wish for wings like a dove, that we may fly away and be at rest.  WE shall probably experience seasons when we shall be 'exceeding sorrowful, even unto death.  We shall see many dreary, disconsolate hours, and feel a sinking of spirits, anguish of mind, of which now we can form little conception.  O, we shall wish to lie down and die.  And that time may soon come."

That time which Adoniram spoke of came all too soon, for Ann died at the early age of thirty-seven.  Did she ever regret her choice in life?  I think not.  Would her husband’s life had been the same without her?  Would he have lived out his calling with the same passion, enthusiasm, and dedication?  Would as many people have been reached?  Maybe, but then, maybe not.  I can't help but ask myself the question, "Would I have been willing to do what Ann did?"  

Both Adoniram and his wife Ann lived an incredible life of sacrifice for God.  I think their life modeled well the Biblical standard of marriage.  I believe marriage is giving yourself to the other person.  How much are we willing to give?  I believe each one of us - whether married or single, in whatever occupation we have - needs to ask ourselves the question, what are we living for?  "For ye are bought with a price: therefore glorify God in your body, and in your spirit, which are God's."  1 Corinthians 6:20.  "Whatsoever ye do, do all to the glory of God."  1 Corinthians 10:31.  What if everything in our life revolved around a purpose - a mission - God's calling for your life?  What if instead of thinking of what we deserve, or what we want in our life, we put God and His purpose in the center - with everything else revolving around that?

What do I invest my time and money into?  Is it preparing me for a life of service for my Master?  And when it comes to relationships, who stands out to me, and why?  Is it really fair of me to think of the type of man I think I deserve?  Or is it for me to be willing to sacrifice anything and everything with whoever God chooses to place in my life?  Could it be that marriage is really about coming to grasp a love that is stronger than we can ever know?  A love that held the ultimate Lover to the cross, when He could have turned away?

Sources:  http://www.sbts.edu/resources/journal-of-missions/sbjme-12-fall/the-life-and-significance-of-ann-hasseltine-judson-1789-1826/